Trying to & Finding myself has never felt any better.

My insecurities are swallowing me up whole. Am i absolutely defenseless against all of this? I seem to not know who I am anymore because i think im copying someone else or trying to be someone im not. i cant even find the right music to listen to without thinking that i suck and im not right enough. there’s a part of me that just wants to let go of everything and try very hard to find something new. start all over and forget the pain and start a new life. it sounds so sweet and so precious and the more i talk about it, the more i adore the idea. i would like to escape all this past pain and hurt and renew my life. i want to so bad… but why can’t i?

Let’s try a list:

-I do love EJ

-If i break up with him, it would look weird and i would cease all contact with him. very difficult since i see him all the time.

- i might regret it

- there would be no turning back

-i can see a life with him, but is it worth going through all this pain

-what am i to do, when i can’t forsee the future.

my head hurts and i need to find a solution. it is affecting my school and my whole life and i can’t seem to focus on anything. my head and my heart hurt. i am still undecided.

I hate my hormones. Such an emo child. Get over yourself.

I absolutely love my life <3

I just don’t feel like being strong anymore. thats what i’m supposed to do.

thats what everyone keeps telling me. but im choosing not to anymore. im choosing to just leave and escape all of this pain i cause myself. so yes i know i cause myself this pain but it doesn’t matter anymore. looking at the future, no matter what choice i choose it will always end up in something ill never be able to escape. why can’t i escape it. because my family doesn’t let me. my dad will never be able to let me leave the house, even if i just wanted to get my mind off of something. he has never made me feel fully independent. i have never heard one positive thing he said to me about school all he reminds me are the consequences, but never once has he said, ” i know you can do it” or “youll do great” instead he says “remember personal relationships will get the best of you” or ” i dont know you have to show us that this wont affect your school”.

thanks for the support. and because of that kind of support your “advice” is coming true.

what i want is to have comfortability and ease within this family. but everytime i mention ej, my dad looks so angry, my mom gets mad and doesn’t want to talk to me. what kind of relationship am i supposed to build off of that… i have not much support. and they never listen. because they are always right. there is no circular learning. only that i learn from them, and they choose not to learn from me.

my low self esteem is a problem. but thats just it. its a problem and whatever way i go, i just dont see it happening. i feel so alone. he wont even listen to me. he gets so angry at me. i just want him to listen. and i know the subject is hard for him to bear… but doesn’t he realize how much i have had to bear. how much i have had to be strong even with the fact after he was with her. does he understand that type of magnitude. i know you love me. i know you care for me. everything else is there. but what i wanted you to see, what i wanted us to have was the full potential to get through anything and i mean anything. but once i bring it up, you avoid it, get all angry. but im never angry at you. which makes no sense whatsoever. im angry at myself and i need you to help me. you told me at my debut that iw ould draw strengths from you and you would draw strength from me. your strength is that you are strong and i am weak. why cant you help me be strong. i am a limp figure waiting to just slowly die off and become a wet, dry stem of a leaf, crumpled up. thats what i feel. 

my confidence has fooled myself. 

im so cold. literally, i hate washington -_- wherever i go, i will always be faced with this problem. with him or without him it will always be there. because of this, i wish to leave this place and world forever. i wish he would be there for me. my parents wouldn’t help because if i told you guys, you would just be happy that i wasn’t with him and encourage it. you wouldn’t even try to help it just like last time.

im breaking and im in pain. and soon, i hope, i wish, but probably note i could get rid of that pain. which is why i have dreams of dying of disease, sickness, and accidents. but i stop because in reality i never want those things to happen to me.

i never want my parents, or him to know that im like this. so dont tell anyone you. just listen to me. and hear me. even though you know all. because He always knows all and knows my hardships and pain.

nothing will make me feel better right now. the only thing that would if he could just turn around and say,

“please tell me whats on your mind. ill listen. its not like that. dont worry about it. ill be there for you.”

instead of being angry and saying if youre gonna act like that dont talk to me at all.

im done. im forever done. broken broken broken broken.

Have you ever just wanted to hold your breath and close your eyes, and then never wake up.

I can’t focus. I have to write. i told myself I wasn’t going to write, but i need to. I need to pray and just run away. The one thing i am looking forward to is performing because I realized that is the only place i feel truly happy. i dont even feel happy at home. there is just always something bothering me everywhere i am going. but i also noticed, that once i feel truly happy, something crappy happens. 

i was second-guessing this whole playing too much thing, but that would be the only thing i want to do. i would rather immerse myself into this and forget everything else. i miss church and my life 7 years ago. if i could, i would do it all over again. i would have never fell in love at such a young age. i wish i could never have drama in my life, become invisible, that way i wouldn’t get hurt so much. or maybe thats not true.

i hate having to get hurt, meaning that i know im always going to hurt because people always get hurt. i just hate it. i think its so dumb. i think everything that has to do with hurting is so dumb. 

i feel like this whole time ive been fooling myself this whole time. i know, i say dont compare to other people, yet i compare myself to the fullest extent, and i can’t help it. it just bothers me, which is why i feel like breaking up with him, would just make sense. because then i wouldn’t ever have to compare myself because it would just be no use. if i broke up with him, maybe i could finally be my own person instead of trying to be someone that he’ll like. 

or maybe im just thinking way too much. im not sure if i am, but my stomach hurts and my head hurts. i can’t focus and im in class.